on purpose.

I have come to believe that Pinterest can be a.) a total time suck or b.) a source of wisdom. More often than not am I sourcing my “mane idea” board on how to fix my hair in the morning in the attempt to avoid just one more wash. Or seeking out some new dinner idea to bait my friends over to my house to feed them. Or to find things like this…

Every dog owner has came home to this and thought what was he thinking lol now we know

Productive, right?

But then every once and a while I run along some words of wisdom that hit me like a ton of bricks. Earlier this week I found a little nugget that read “that was the day that she made herself the promise to live more from intention and less from habit.”

woah. hello conviction.

Going into the holiday season for the last six years I get busy. Literally. On purpose. I attempt to fill my time with any and every event and dinner and workout and date that I possibly can. This year, though, I am looking back and realizing that these last years have been spent “busy” because of fear. That stupid thing that has controlled more decisions in my life than I would care to admit or even begin to recollect. I have been afraid to feel all the feelings that come with holidays and remembering who and what is missing. And I think I’ve been afraid of grief because, like I said before, grieving just flat out sucks sometimes. It hurts.

It was kind of like my little relationship with running that I had right after I lost my dad. I always hated running, but for about a year and a half I tried real real hard to like it. It was the only thing I could do during which I could not cry, mainly because I had to focus so hard on breathing…and not dying. Mostly the latter. I ran two half marathons, which were full of epic lessons and relationships and injuries that all taught me so much. But once I came to terms with the fact that I am NOT a runner and never will be [note: I have very short legs and that’s A LOT of steps for us short legged people], I was able to appreciate the other ways that I took care of my self. With training for a half marathon, I printed out a schedule and marked off my training runs for 3 months and then when I got to race day, I ran my race and was done. Lots of check marks were involved and I loved that part. Me and lists work really well together. But once that period in my life came to a close I had to be incredibly deliberate on how I took care of my body. I wasn’t burning calories and training every single day. I didn’t have 15 miles to just check off in a week. I had to think about it. I had to plan it. I had to ask people what to do and then after that, why I was doing it.

Such as I am going to attempt to treat this holiday season. And I’m not saying that I will slow down, because I don’t really ever do that anyways. But I do want to make sure that as I am going through this part of the year that mentally and spiritually I am filtering my time through the “what and why” (and who) filter. What am I doing? What is this going to accomplish? What long term effect (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) is this going to have? Why (in the heck) am I doing it? And most importantly, who is this going to impact? And then, take all those answers and have the courage to say yes to the things that matter and that even may be a little out of my comfort zone. OR – more importantly, say no to the things that are just “fillers” or a distraction.

I desperately want to live life on purpose everyday and not continue to do the exact same things just because they are comfortable or a habit. But I especially want that this holiday season. I want to be thankful, on purpose, not just because someone asks me what I am thankful for. I was to spread peace and joy and give gifts and love people like Jesus did, on purpose, not just because that’s what people do at Christmas. And I really want to celebrate 2014 and ring in a new fresh 2015, on purpose [with champagne in a sparkly dress], not just because that’s what people are supposed to do, but because I am truly grateful for what the last year has brought. Good and bad. Pretty and ugly. I am a better person for it.

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